Best published quote in local newspapers

There was an article on some clubs not including women above certain ages (old) to enjoy Ladies' Nights and as if it wasn't funny enough, they managed to interview this guy:

"I just don't think a 55-year-old woman would create an atmosphere to attract men. There should be a cut-off age."

That's just so frank and realistic and such a... guy thing to say. It's something that all men feel the same about but very few of us have the balls to voice it out. I salute you, Mr 25-year-old-American-man-who-is-visiting-Singapore.

And of course, the next quote is from a 19-year-old NS man (also see: wuss, sad excuse for a man, testicularly-challenged) and he said something like "50-year-old women are still women they should still be able to enjoy the same privilleges blablablabl im a wuss im only here to ogle at girls god help me control my erection if i manage to grind on one of them". Not really the exact quote but I can't be bothered to flip the papers for look it up.

Kind of reminds me of how one of my friends used to call older women "lao girls". Really not hot at all.

MacGyver, bitches

Because of how careful I am, I managed to get myself locked out when I returned home from a jog. The only way for me to get in was to somehow hook the keys which were dangling not too far away from the door but at a very tricky angle. I found a wooden pole in the shoe cabinet (which stank like ten sweaty fat men eating durians) but it was just not long enough. That's what she said. Anyway, I had to find something to elongate it but because of how tired I was, I could not bring myself to think sexual thoughts so I searched around the corridor looking for a suitable replacement.

I went through a chopstick and a ladle (My neighbours must be very angry chefs) before I decided on using my neighbour's support stick for her potted plant as the extension with my sock tying the two sticks together. Her plants weren't exactly in the best shape and what I did with their pillar of support is probably not very healthy for them.

The moment I inserted and twisted the key into the door lock, I felt so proud. Then, upon further thinking, I realised that's only because we don't need to improvise much since everything is brought to us on a silver platter nowadays. I predict human beings to be nothing more than a head with weak, feeble tentacles for the torso and limbs in the year 3472, much to the joy of the Japanese, of course.

Then my father returned home five minutes later.

A serious post? This can't be!

It's perfectly fine to make mistakes while you're still a teenager, especially one like falling in love with you.