...And there she goes. In case you're wondering, of course I'm upset but to be honest, my mind's more occupied by NS at the moment so maybe the actual shock of her being gone will really hit me a few weeks later.

I have never experienced anything like this before and what hurts is the fact that we split while still in love. I remember people asking me months ago if I really loved her and I merely answered "Not really, I'll try not to anyway." but I'm stupid, that's why. The Bangkok trip really brought us closer together and it's not just because we did a lot of Bangkok all night, folks.

The chances of us not meeting were so much higher than the chances of us knowing each other, I could have easily chose to not bother about "that girl at the cafe" and she could have gone home a little earlier. If anything, this will encourage me to take every chance I get, something as wonderful as this might just happen again. Not just in terms of girls, but everything.

To those who offered a listening ear and wished me luck for NS, I really appreciate them, thanks. And to Jules, I will look back on our days together with a smile and possibly an erection as well. You go have lots of fun in Perth and I will have fun in...Tekong...as well. Fuck.

End

Today was the last one spent with Jules before the two of us leave Singapore for Perth and Pulau Tekong. It's quite obvious which one's going to Australia and which one's going to Prison Island but fuck, imagine if our destinations are exchanged. We were out in town and it was for some reason, REALLY REALLY fun. Eventually though, the sense of finality hit us and while it wasn't uncomfortable or anything, it's definitely not a good feeling. To relieve ourselves, we sat down and started insulting as many ethnic groups and people with disabilities as possible and yeah, we felt so much better after that.

But seriously though, it was quite an emotional night and very understandably so. We had to break up while still in love and of course, something might still happen in the future but we're not holding our breath for it. Despite the emotional mood today, we still managed to come up with a few gems:

Jules: I'm so emotional now that anything will set me off.
Arthur: Suck my cock.

Wait, I can only remember this one but I'm going to sleep anyway so bye and suck my cock.

YES

I have FINALLY gotten over my fear of swimming in a pool and can actually do so without making loud and nervous splashes now. Yes, just in a pool, which means the sea is still a giant mass of "DANGER ACHTUNG DON'T COME IN" for me. Now that I have gotten over this phobia, I plan to extinguish another very laughable fear.

Peekisatpenisphobia

Also known as the fear of peeing in a public urinal. This stemmed from an incident which still haunts me every now and then even though it happened well over a decade ago.

I was relieving myself in my primary school's toilet when an Indian boy walked in and starting peeing in the urinal next to mine. I guess I have to mention the fact that he has a badly-shaved head and this very unsettling grin which is probably still on his face now as he's serving time for offering sweets to little boys.

As I mentioned, he went to the urinal next to mine (not good in a public toilet), turned to me (really not good at all), flashed that grin (NOT GOOD ANYWHERE). Ending the tale right here would have made for a decent "Creepy guy in toilet" story but our cheeky friend fucking REACHED OUT AND FLICKED THE FORESKIN ON MY PENIS AND SAID SOMETHING WHICH I FORGOT BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?

I'm guessing that he was circumcised when he was just a wee (heh) kid and the sight of a protected kuku bird somehow amused him. After that little gesture of friendship, I zipped up VERY quickly before shuffling very quickly back to my classroom. Nope, didn't bother to shake the last few drops out and neither did I care about washing my hands, these are really minor compared to having YOUR DICK TOUCHED BY A FUCKING STRANGER.

Ever since then, I have always urinated in cubicles save for a few really urgent trips. Even then, I would push my body all the way forward, creating a vacuum between my crotch and the wall so NOBODY can see or touch me. So if you see someone trying to melt into the wall in a public toilet, it's probably me and no, don't say Hi to me. Go pee far, far away from where I am. Minimum of two urinals away, far, far away.

Hot as fuck

Recently, Jules put up an exceptionally glamourous photo of herself on her blog. It has gotten pretty infamous because of how inhumanly impossible it is to achieve that look. Apologies if you already have had your retinas damaged by this monstrosity of a photograph. It's also a thumbnail but I can't really blame you if you're not going to enlarge it.



Fun fact: Walruses are able to run as fast as humans!

But I thought it will be a great achievement if I can make the photo look good. After all, I have learned quite a bit about photo manipulation techniques and have done them very often while working. Photo manipulation is definitely not new as many old "ghost" photographs are actually fakes, some more polished than the rest. Most of them were achieved using double-exposure and the results can fool even experts as many of them are still being published in books and the Internet.

Even the communists made extensive use of photo manipulation. The image below shows a photograph pre- and post-manipulation.



The removed man is Nikolai Yezhov, who was once a trusted advisor to Stalin (the one scratching his nipple in the photo, he also did something less important like being Russia's leader or something). However, a dispute happened between Yezhov and Stalin so The Glorious Leader had him removed from the world. In a very Orwellian fashion, all records of him were erased and even photographs that might have led the public to even consider Yezhov as being a real person once were manipulated.

And of course, all photographs that you see in glossy magazines nowadays have gone through manipulation which ranges from something as small as removal of stray hair from a forehead to something as major as removing a good kilogramme from the model's thighs to something as subtle as turning up a pair of lips a little more so it will appear as more of a smile.

Even photos on major news websites were manipulated before being published. The photo on the left below was published in an article related to an Israeli airstrike on Lebanon. The original, untouched photo is on the right and it's just sad how half-assed the attempt was. The photographer was then dismissed as he was the one behind the untruthful editing.



So as you can see, the technique of photo manipulation can be very useful to distort the truth and a certain celebrity blogger had even admitted to using Photoshop on her photos. For what purpose, I can't really remember, probably something to do with making herself look less like a midget lian or something like that.

Let's look at the really stimulating photograph again.



We'll have to:
1) Remove that thick stroke of hair across its face.
2) Un-redden her lips a little, they make her look like a lesbian vampire.
3) Re-model her expression to a more human one.
4) Remove chin #1.
5) Remove chin #2.
6) Remove chin #3.
7) Remove chin #4.

After all these are done, the photograph will look slightly less repulsive and will become a regular "HAHA make stupid faces at camera" photo instead of a "HAHA I hate everyone and I want to blind them" one.

Easier said than done, her collection of chins proved to be a considerable challenge to my Photoshop skills but being resourceful and creative, I have done this to improve the photograph instead:



By tastefully and subtly adding Jessica Biel's magnificent ass in the original photo, I have made it more aesthetically-pleasing and scientists have confirmed that it still has heart-stopping effects on a straight male albeit in a much different way. I'm generally a breasts-man but goddamn if Jessica Biel is not making me question my faith in dem tittays.

Juliana Lau allowed me to use that sexy-as-tits photo only on condition that I post other photos of her looking more decent and I respect that, it's only fair if my readers see the less Walrus-y side of you. I have compiled a few photographs that will do her extreme beauty justice:

I love oysters...

...But not when there are louse-looking creatures crawling in and out of the barnacles and holes in the shells. I saw a few tiny grey creatures moving around on my plate of jumbo (no fucking exaggeration here) oysters and at first sight, I thought they were fruit flies from the lemon wedges but damn it, they were some kind of weird sea louse bug.

We sent an oyster back, fully expecting a refund or apology of some kind but the waitress came back with the excuse "Orh because you are supposed to taste the ocean that's why got these insects don't worry it's normal lor." Fucking brilliant, she will be a worthy addition to any company's PR department.

With that being said, I finished up the oysters anyway. Weren't that fresh but hey, oysters.

Hell

I will be going to hell if I actually believe in it.

I'm feeling really brash and ballsy now, I feel as though I can just fly off to some faraway city and start a new life there right now. That is what I would do if I didn't have to, you know, enlist in three weeks' time. Jules is flying off on the same day I enlist too, how incredibly dramatic! The reason why I linked her blog is because it's something I would read even if she's not my girlfriend. I will then be one of the many weirdos who stalk her blog and then appearing once in a while in her tagboard like some scaly mutant creature living in the sewers coming up to the human world once every few weeks. I know, really good analogy.

Also, my bus driver fell dozed off last night (it was a post-midnight bus service). I pressed for the bell once and the bus went straight past my stop. I pressed it the second time, no reply and I pressed it a few more times in much quicker succession before I walked to the front of the bus, very angrily may I add, to check on him. The fucker had his eyes shut and when I woke him up, he kept apologising to me, even adding a "Sir" behind every sentence. I just told him to take care of himself and got off before he had the chance to drive the bus into a HDB block.

I didn't feel like I could have cared any less for the other passengers on the bus, I may be the most ethical person I know.

Oom

Bangkok was an enjoyable experience although I would have done more exploring if I had the choice. The shopping and eating (the cockles salad was SO fucking good) were good but the real fun was in talking to other people.

This cab driver and I were having a pretty friendly conversation and we got to the topic of his daughter and the following ensued:

Me:

So what's your daughter's name?

Driver:

Oom. Her name is Oom.

Me:

Oh, what does that mean?

Driver:

Oom is like *makes cupping gesture with hands, like carrying a baby*

Jules & I:

(Oh how sweet.)

Driver:

Oom is also like how you *cupping gesture* your girlfriend.

Jules & I:

(WHAT THE FUCK???)

I'm sure there are other things to write about but I can't seem to recall anything right now, other than the bloody delicious cockles salad.