Now, this is the part where I pretend to be listening

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Perth part...something

Despite not buying anything, my trip to Northbridge was enjoyable because of the quirky little shops they have there. And of course, the food wasn't too bad either. We settled our lunch at this restaurant selling Vietnamese/Chinese/Singaporean/Malaysian/Burmese (AHAH dying assholes)/ Cambodian food, basically anything from all the "Bong dong fong fong dong nya nya nya" countries.

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As you can see, it's an extremely popular place for the locals to eat at, we had to wait three seconds before getting a seat. The place smelled slightly of grease and the staff were practically "Bong dong fong fong dong nya nya nya"-ing to each other. The gaudy-looking SAIGON CAFE sign didn't really help the atmosphere either but I was determined to eat as much as possible in Perth so, not biggie.

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I ordered beef tripe noodles and this plate of beansprouts and mint leaves arrived before my bowl of noodles. People of at least average intelligence will know, "Oh this is what I put in my soup, seeing as how raw beansprouts are not very palatable" but of course, some genius like my girlfriend will think differently. She squeezed the wedge of lemon over the raw vegetables, thinking that they just served us the appetiser and I just stared at her, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Isn't...the lemon supposed to be...squeezed-"
"No."
"...Oh. Oh."

Small mistake really, nothing compared to the bigger guffaws she has made. Speak well English, mmm?

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This is the Vietnamese lemon soda I ordered, notice that it's Vietnamese hence it's different from Schweppes'. Seriously though, this is very different from the gassy lemonade we get in cans. Of course, there's lemon and soda but I think there was salt added as well. I should try to make it myself but knowing me, I will probably end up creating some mixture consisting of wine, coca cola, brown sugar, soy sauce, fish sauce and lemon juice. Yes, I have done that before and yes, I drank everything.

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Jules' braised beef noodles or something. Tasted surprisingly bland despite looking rather menstrual but at least the beef was tender and soft enough to shred under the slightest pressure.

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My beef noodles which tasted average until I added the fish sauce. There was a whole world of difference and now, I have newfound appreciation of the condiment which looks like tobacco spit and smells like...fish. Shit, I feel like eating pho now.

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Another picture, just because.

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Northbridge has tons of these shops selling vintage clothes (nicer term for "dirty-ass second hand clothes with white stains near the crotch area") . This room is on the second floor of the shop and it has nothing but ornamented furniture and clothes for sale. Can you notice the lazy clone job?

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Wah lao chee bye, you're not cute la.

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Of course, we had to eat again. The eclair was okay, not as good as the INTERCONTINENTAL eclair we had earlier which was FUCKING gigantic but so FUCKING delicious. I didn't get a picture of it because I was too busy burying my face in the mass of custard, cream and chocolate.
...So, I have no idea how to end this entry. Boo bee boo wah.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Part 3

Back to blogging about Perth after the previous post which made my sister cry when she saw it. Doesn't matter, because I still give her shit by doing the chocolate-smeared expression every time I see her. I know, best older brother ever.

Anyway, this is Fremantle Port, where there are as many boats and seagulls as dumb Asian tourists who expect super excellent seafood just because the place's by the sea.

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The place was honestly quite beautiful because of how clean the sea is despite the fact that there are boats all over the place. If the port was placed in Singapore however, the water will be filled with used tissue paper, styrofoam boxes and flattened Coca-Cola cans because we are idiots.

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In fact, Jules was considering moving back to the sea because of how clean it looked. She has adjusted well to living on land since moving here a decade ago; her flippers evolved into working limbs and her blow hole somehow migrating its way onto her face, becoming nostrils.

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Okay, enough talk about sea mammals. This is the Fish & Chips I ordered for $13AUD but the only thing worth writing home about was the freshness of the fish. And maybe the thickness of the fries but then again, ALL the fries I ate in Australia (and I ate quite a bit of them, trust me) were equally thick, they were probably bought frozen from K-Mart.

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Jules ordered the Grilled Garfish and Tits, which was quite a bit better than what I bought. I remember the grilling adding an layer of sweetness to the already delicious garfish meat. What a mistake it was, not listening to her when it comes to ordering fish. I mean, she would know which fish tastes the best, wouldn't she?

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The REAL reason why I traveled to Perth! But fuck, it was quite disappointing because of how small they were but hey, at least they were fresh. By the way, I never used the sweet chili sauce because I think it's quite a waste to eat fresh raw oysters with such an overly powerful condiment. I'm the fucking connoisseur in fine dining, bitch.

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The whole spread, which cost a little too much for how it tasted but I would like to think that I paid for the great weather and sea breeze as well. And the sight of seagulls patiently waiting for you to finish before burying their dumb heads into your food.

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This was taken during the meal and I think she was saying something like "Heh heh, food". While not very pleasing to look at, this expression does lend well to making images of food look more tempting. Let's see how the face can be applied.

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See? The meal looks like it's worth the price now.

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She's so happy, you might think that it's a plate of grilled mermaid.

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Delicious-er.

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Mmm mmm.

Despite my poor attempt at veiling this post's purpose of insulting Jules, I would still like to comment on how great of a girlfriend she is and I appreciate her being in my life.

Monday, September 24, 2007

My little sister

Whenever I'm home for dinner, the normal routine after the meal is to disturb Avery until she gets angry or frustrated. In that case, we'll just leave her alone for an hour and she'll forget why she got pissy in the first place. It wasn't any different today but I got bored after five minutes of poking her in the sides while repeating "Fat, fat, fat" incessantly so I ended up reaching for the old photo albums.

Avery isn't exactly fat and ugly, in fact she's rather pretty because good looks, like diarrohea runs in the genes. Here's a recent photo of her praying to I have no idea what the fuck.

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Wasn't lying, was I? She's definitely not ugly but Goddamn if she doesn't know how to spoil photos by being downright appalling.

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If this was uploaded onto SFOGS, thousands of dumb secondary kids would have had the pus scared out of them.

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See her expression? See the toilet lid behind her? Yup, she was crying while shitting.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Okay, that was a really bad photograph. But to make it fair, in case she figures out how to use the Internet for other purposes that's not some dumbass Barbie Doll flash game and somehow finds her way to my blog, here's something to show her that this post isn't just about making fun of her.

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Goodness, who is this adorable gentleman?

Show's over. I will continue blogging about Perth in my next entry, this was just an excuse to post the photo of Avery with chocolate all over her face. In fact, it kinda looks like she just ate whatever Avery in image three has produced.

EDIT:

HAHAH my sister got pissed off. To appease her, I have uploaded a very special photo of myself. I am so going to regret this someday.

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Friday, September 21, 2007

Part 2

One of the first things that fascinated me in Australia was the kind of wildlife that was present there. I didn't get to see any kangaroos, koala bears or any other marsupial weirdos but I did get to see quite a number of curious-looking birds. The most prominent ones were these motherfuckers, who seem to take pride in looking like twats. There were also these assholes who BLEAT when foraging for food in the ground, which honestly frightened me a little when I first heard them. Stick to chirping or singing, dammit, what kind of mutant bird BLEATS?

I apologise for not taking any photos of them because standing still in front of a large group of these freaks that evolution rejected can be quite scary. In fact, the only bird that was harmless and docile enough for me to bully into photographing was this guy:

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What's the most he could do? Shit in my face? Peck at my knees? Not only are they easy to handle, they're delicious when grilled with chili.

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I never knew seagulls could taste so delicious but Nando's made it possible. I ordered their signature whole seagull platter which came with their trademark Peri Peri fries which were way too salty for me. This whole thing cost around 18SGD, not too bad for the whole bird.

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The seagulls were cooked very nicely, no signs of them being undercooked but the meat still remained rather soft and moist. That was the major pulling factor for me to return to Nando's twice in two consecutive days even though I could have easily eaten something else.

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However, I didn't think much of the sauces Nando's was supposed to be famous for. "Extra hot" was just that, nothing else to it, even KFC's chili sauce tastes better. "Mild" was so boring that I don't even remember how it tasted like. But I would still eat at Nando's again, just for their seagulls.





If you really thought I ate seagulls at Nando's, please stop reading my blog now.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Part 1

Because of how effective the Army's attempt at "National Education" is, the first thing I wanted to do during my leave was to fly/swim/dig my way to another country. And so I did, I was in Perth from the 13th to the 19th. That six-days stay was plenty enough time to get used to the climate, lifestyle and the fact that you are now a minority in someone else's country. Now, I will have to re-adjust to moist armpits, being able to find entertainment after 5p.m. and the feeling of being part of the main ethnic group again woohoopapchinesesingaporewoohoo.

There were a few reasons for deciding on Perth instead of Thailand, Vietnam or some other touristy third-world bumfuck place which has transvestites shooting AIDS-filled needles out of their manginas at pot-bellied, red-faced European men. Some reasons were greater than the others, I will let you venture which one.





























The food
was a refreshing change from Tekong meals which were cooked by culinary experimenters who are curious about men's maximum tolerance for saltiness and sogginess in his food. I'll go more in-depth about the food in a future post because I genuinely enjoyed the food in Perth and there is quite a number of pictures, most of them taken in a faux-foodieblog fashion.





























Exploring
for all the nondescript shops and places was enjoyable too. It's just too bad I didn't have more time because I wanted to really go into every single nook and tranny in Perth. Maybe next time.





























Some girl
who happens to be living there. Nothing much to talk about, maybe next post.





























And since I already have it prepared for upload, here's a bonus picture of Jules grazing on the grass.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Hotel Rwanda

I wanted to catch it when it was released in 2004 but like the United Nations, I forgot about it. Ooh, unnecessary third-person cheap shot. If you haven't seen it yet, the film's about the Rwandan Genocide, one of the bloodiest of my time but nobody really talks about it anymore probably because it took place in Africa.

Innocent people were dying left and right because they happened to be of the wrong racial groups, women reduced to sex slaves for the soldiers, children being separated from their parents, the white people (even the U.N.) leaving the country because their lives are worth more. So naturally, it was a very dark film. Ooh, inappropriate joke.

I may be on some kind of odd anti-U.N. binge now, having just read Emergency Sex and watched this. I honestly want to be that loudmouth "idealistic" idiot who goes around criticising the U.N. (or fur wearers, meat eaters, major record labels, major corporations, fast food corporations, George Bush, America) just because of some forms of media (Blatantly one-sided ads, that fatass director whose name greased past my memory, Green Day, U2, Internet) I've just consumed. Yay for popular media-fueled hate and mindless sheeps!

Emergency Sex






















Three UN workers get dispatched to places where people and morals were dying in the 90s': Cambodia, Liberia, Haiti, Bosnia, Liberia, Rwanda and maybe some other third world assfuck country I might have forgotten. The book follows the three's experience all the way from days when they led lives similar to ours: Get up, work, get back home and cry, to days when standing knee-deep in piles of corpses and experiencing backwards ignorance (read: female genital mutilation) were routine.

Gore, sex and guns happen to make me very happy (not together, separately) so I really enjoyed this book, so much that I finished it in less than two days. I read it while I shat, I read it while I slept, I read it while I marched, it was that captivating. More maturely, this book gives you an insight on how one of the world's most recognisable organisation operates and it will depress the more naive readers out there. Also, you lose track of what's good and what's bad.

A small African boy, high on drugs and alcohol, holding an automatic rifle. The U.N. promising prisoners a better holding place if they confess to their crimes, a father does so, confessing to contributing to the genocide and then fingering his 10-year-old son as well, of the same crime.

One more thing to note, Heidi (recently divorced and joined the U.N. because she needs a paycheque) fucks a lot of black cocks, at the rate slightly less than the number of civilians killed in the Rwandan genocide.

Yeah, that was inappropriate but that's not important. Go find the book, buy it or borrow it (I borrowed it because I'm a cheap bastard) but be prepared for people staring at you weird if you read it in public because the book's title happens to be printed in big red fonts.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Back home

Finally, no more Tekong for me. Except for a trip back there for guard duty on the 22nd, fuck. So I will be updating a little more regularly now since I have so much to release from being stuck in camp almost every single day for the last seven weeks. Indeed, there is much to release and I will probably release later at night when everyone at home is asleep.

Anyway, the first thing that greeted me when I came online was my iGoogle page and since they let you add tabs to your customised homepage, I had this "Word of the Day" applet on it because it's interesting and having it will make girls moist in their no-no zones.

Today's Word of the Day happens to be:

morass (noun) A soft wet area of low-lying land that sinks underfoot.
Synonyms:quagmire, mire, quag
Usage:The path from the wood leads to a morass, and from thence to a ford, which, as the rains have abated, may now be passable.

I was quite disappointed, to be honest. I thought the English language guys actually had a word for a situation like this, but it's actually just a mass of wet soil and mudskipper shit. Thank goodness no one actually uses this word in conversation or I will be getting blueballs constantly.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Surrender, Surrender

Like so many things before it, the seven weeks of BMT only got better towards the very end. You genuinely start bonding with some of the people in there, making fun of Dickrinse, whom you might remember from a previous post. We have since decided to codename him "Cock Marshal" and his ability to melt into the walls whenever there is work to be done isn't really helping his reputation.

Cock Marshal is also the undisputed king of awkward situations, which you might also remember. For some reason, he likes to strut into my bunk and just sit on the chairs which are situated right in the middle of the room. We (a.k.a people who actually BELONG in the bunk) will just give each other that "What the lanjiao?" look while he continues sitting comfortably on OUR chair. We can at least take comfort in the fact that he washes himself enough not to dirty the furniture in our bunk.

There was this other time when he came walked into the bunk when everyone else was just chilling out or resting. Someone was playing a PSP so Cock Marshal (CM) started an incredibly involving conversation:

CM: Wah, is that a PSP?
PSP guy: ...Yes.
CM: What game you playing?
PSP guy: Bomberman. (or something)
CM: Wah.
PSP guy: Yeah
CM: ...
CM: ...

What followed this was so inspirational that I...I...I think I need TO WRITE A HAIKU!

Awkward silence, time flies by
Wah, A Pee Ass Pee?
Should have left then, you cock head


He stayed for a while more, scanning the room with his freakishly large eyes before leaving with a "Okay, bye guys!". Of course, everyone got up and shook his hand and patted his back warmly when he left because he was such a welcome guest.