Heinz the Hairdresser

Okay, so his real name isn't really Heinz but it's something equally pseudo-German and I don't want to use his actual name here because I'm nice. He's been cutting my hair for a few years running now and since he offers $5 haircuts for NSFs, why the hell not?

For $5, you can do a lot worse. Let's think about this rationally and you will see why I'm paying this guy for my monthly trim.

Pros
Cheap haircuts
His stories

Cons
His stories

One of his more memorable tales took place in Thailand. Keep in mind that Heinz is 30 years old and married.


Heinz: The girls ah, in Thailand are really friendly. I met this very sweet-looking girl at this bar.

Me: Are you sure she's not paid to be friendly? Haha*.

Heinz: No la, she was just a regular there. Anyway, I was dancing and saw her on the dance floor also because she gave me this very naughty smile.

Me: Haha.

Heinz: I danced with her for a while then I bought her a drink lah. And then we talked quite a bit, she's really very sweet. She then asked me out for dinner the next day. Can't say no lah, she so sweet and her body quite nice ah.

Me: Haha. (Wait...what the fuck?)

Heinz: I brought her out for dinner at a hotel restaurant, could tell she was very happy because it's good food mah. But she brought this friend along, who can speak English quite well so she was the girl's mouth because her English...not so good lah.

Me: If her English wasn't so good, how were you able to communicate with her?

Heinz: Aiya, can say "yes" , "no", "cannot", "okay" and smile can already la. Anyway the friend was telling me like how the girl's mother is very ill and requires money for medication and after the dinner, we went over to see the mother. She was really damn ill, coughing a lot and looking very white. (Note: He meant white as in "pale", not "Caucasian" although that would be quite a serious illness)

Me: And then?

Heinz: Too much burden la, I just wanted sex mah. So I just gave them a few hundred dollars but I did try to ask the girl out again. But she was busy working and I no choice la, have to go back to Singapore.

Me: ...I think the whole thing was a scam.

Heinz: How can? She so sweet.

*Social laughter. You know the kind.

******

This one was told during another haircut when he discovered that I'm in NS so he proceeded to tell me about his NS stint.

Heinz: You know I used to be at the old Yew Tee Camp? I saw ghost there.

Me: Wow, no shit? You lying-ass bitch. (No, I just said "Haha. Is it?")

Heinz: I was doing guard duty with my Indian friend ah, 2 a.m. at night and the place was damn dark. We were walking past this rows of Land Rovers and I saw this girl in a yellow dress and long black hair sitting on one of the hoods.

Me: Wow, what did you do?

Heinz: I thought "Die, confirm is ghost" but I curious mah, maybe it's a pretty girl then I can be quite happy that night la AHAHA.

Me: Haha. (Why am I listening to this?)

Heinz: But I look ah, wah lao eh. Really is ghost la, the face so white. (Note: Pale) After that I asked my Indian friend if he got see but he said never leh. So it must be a Chinese ghost.

I kept silent after that because I was expecting a really obvious "Indian in the dark" joke but he didn't make one, respect. His racial sensitivity kind of made up for his brilliant deduction of "must be a Chinese ghost".

******

There were genuinely funny moments too, so it's not just about Heinz being a horny retard. Just today, I wore shorts to his place for my haircut (Sounds dodgy, I know) because I like to show my legs off since they're the sexiest part of me. Tied with the rest of my body. After the haircut, he lifted the cape thing up and brushed the stray hair off my neck. Without noticing anything wrong, he said "Eh your thigh got hair."

I looked and nope, there weren't any hair on my thi ─ oh wait. "No, That's not hair from my head."

******

A few months ago, he was doing his haircutting with music playing from his stereo system and I heard a very familiar voice. It was Morrisey's and he was actually listening to The Smiths.

Heinz.
30.
Wears singlets when cutting hair.
Says "Alright maaaan" in a really odd way.
Gets a fair share of his income from cutting hair for cheapskate NSF and student assholes.
Listens to The Smiths.

One of the above doesn't fit, guess which one? We then talked about 80s' music for a while and at that time, The Cure was going to perform at the Indoor Stadium so I asked if he was going. His reply?

"I want to go la, but no one to go with."

That coupled with a weak smile while he was slightly distracted from my haircut made me feel so sad for him. Of course, that only lasted for two seconds before he launched into a story about how "havoc" he was during the 80s' just because he had half-permed, half-shaved hair.

Seriously, all these combined is really good value for $5.

Not sure why I found it so amusing

As I was returning home, I saw this skinny 20-something guy, more hair than meat, with his earphones plugged into a MacBook which he carried under his arms. He was one of those people who smile and bounce when they walk, as if he's going home to Scarlett Johansson laying down on the bed in black lacy lingerie. After a while, he opened the MacBook and did something in iTunes.

I thought, "Biggest iPod ever" and smiled to myself. Even though he looked like a complete dork, he must have been very "U LaUgH bEcAusE Im DifFerENt, I lAuGh BEcAuSe u r AlL ThE SaMe"

I have feelings too

I will probably lose my "I am tough manly man with no heart because I find mental retardation and physical handicap extremely funny and I constantly make fun of my girlfriend" image because of this post but I have to say this, Jules' return is making me think that my days are worth trudging through, just so I can see her at the end of every week. As for weekdays, there's always Team Fortress 2, which is so fucking fun. Godammit, it's almost better than having a girlfriend.

But seriously (Wait, I was being somewhat serious), us being far apart for months has actually brought us closer together. I met her for the first time in two months today (didn't go to work) and it was almost like how it was, before I got enlisted and before she left for overseas study. I said almost mainly because of the fact that I actually have work the next day and I needed sleep so much that I slept for the whole 40 minutes of train ride from Eunos to Boon Lay, alternating between the really unglamorous sleeping pose with my head tilted upwards and my mouth slightly agape and the one with my head nodding downwards. The former is actually less embarrassing because when I tilted downwards while sleeping, I actually drooled on my bag. I discovered it when I woke up for a brief moment and very nonchalantly wiped it away before continuing my nap. Fucking cool asshole, this Arthur guy.

What will happen to us in the future, I'm not sure but I can very safely say for now, that I'm in a very satisfying relationship. Not just in terms of sex, please.

MILFs

Mothers I'd Like to F...ornicate. MILFs used to be a somewhat taboo topic before milfhunter.com (I'm not linking there) was launched as part of the Internet niche pornography boom. Because of the website's popularity, it is now perfect alright to have a thing for older women who are "old enough to be your mom". Despite the extremely Freudian nature of this topic, I would still like to talk about it because the term "MILF" is so commonly mis-used.

This is Nigella Lawson, celebrity cook.




























MILF?
Yes. In my opinion, this lady here is the quintessential MILF; full round hips, breasts enough for a whole nation of infants, a good amount of meat on the bones and most importantly, the very feminine brand of sexiness she exudes. I think it's how she jiggles when beating egg yolks and the way she smacks chocolate fudge off her fingers. Even though there's an electronic blender in the kitchen and the dish doesn't require chocolate fudge.

And she also looks like she could be your neighbour or a mom-next-door, to be more precise. MILFs have to look somewhat unpolished to qualify as one.

Rachel Hunter, model.






















MILF?
No. Despite being cast as the hot mom in the Stacy's Mom music video, it's hard to think of her as a MILF. MILFs are supposed to show slight signs of negligence in their appearances. Calves and underarms sculpted by carefully-planned gym regimes don't exactly portray negligence. So, NOT a MILF.

Moro Islamic Liberation Front, rebel group based in the Phillipines






















Even after the many terrorist attacks they've committed on the people of Phillipines, I still can't take this group seriously. That's a really unfortunate acronym to have for your guerrilla fighters who want to fight for liberty and freedom. Sorry guys, not a MILF.

Britney Spears, part-time pop star, ex full-time caretaker of white trash bums
















MILF?
I honestly don't know. On one hand, I don't think she's even 25 years old but on the other, she does have the required figure and a son. On a related note, I heard her new single playing on the radio while I was in the gym. She now owes me new ears.

Adelfa Volpes, 82-year-old who's married to a 24-year-old














MILF?
NO. Fucking gross. If anything, she would be known as a GMILF but even then, would I want to fuck her? Not in a million years. No wait, make that a trillion years, she might have actually been around for a million years so I'm going to play it safe. What was the guy thinking? If it's for money, then he's as low as his wife's tits.

So next time before you use the term "MILF", think about it. Does she fulfill the necessary requirements of having a slightly out-of-shape body? Is she actually old enough to be a mother? It's serious business, guys. Treat the term with respect and if you happen to know one, lots of attention she hasn't experienced from her businessman husband.

And yet again, the show delivers