Ho Chi Minh City Part 5: Fuck, does this guy love eating or what?

This is still my second day in Ho Chi Minh, after the visit to the War Remnants Museum and all the viewing of those poor children affected by Agent Orange; shaking, spitting, limping and generally spazzing out, made me quite hungry. Must be all the energy used up during the sympathising. Because of how nasty the beef stew turned out to be, I had to treat myself to something that can't fail. Something that I will definitely like. Something that no one can fuck up.



Something like shellfishes, fuck yes.



Look at all that, my biggest regret is not being able to try everything here.



I did try my best though, coming back on the next two days in an attempt to eat every single type of shellfish they sold.



I think I spent enough to support her three daughters through college and university.



Do I think it's cool to punctuate one single point of "I ate a lot of shellfishes" with four images?



Yes.

And that's right, we were given bobby pins to pick the flesh out from the shells and these required more effort than the rest which were more easier to shuck and suck. These, we had to pry and wry but so worth it because the flesh was noticeably sweeter than the ones found in the other shellfishes.



This is the dip of vinegar, plum powder and chilli they gave and it was pretty damn awesome, adding some spike to the peaceful taste of the shellfishes which I eat for their texture anyway.



Jules ordered this, well done. This is the shellfish equivalent of ordering a well-done steak, or eating fast food when you're in a foreign country known for their culinary culture, or choosing chicken over beef, mutton and pork. These clams are really the chicken of the sea; they don't taste bad and can actually be pretty fucking good when cooked properly but the thing is, they're so...boring. These are the seafood equivalent of accountants: Easy to find, sells well but god forbid them from having an ounce of fun in them.

Just kidding, of course. I'm saying that only because I'm jealous of how much money they make and how good they are with numbers. Liabilities, interest and taxation? Shit you be living the life dawg.



Her strawberry smoothie and my...other seashells. Those large black ones aren't as delicious as they're a little too tough and rather tasteless but there's just something so addictive about them. Serious "Once you pop, you can't stop" material.



After we were done, we took a look around the market. Anyone looking at us? No? Good.



Because we really wanted to eat the spring rolls again. Like, damn badly. Mostly because of how our previous plate tasted so good. Perfect setup for a disappointment as the sauce here wasn't as good as the previous place's. Jah bless Mr. Lau and his spring rolls.



We then went to another stall and ordered this, which I have no idea what it's called but this was good. Lots of contrasting textures and taste in this and I can really eat a plate of this right now.

And then we thought, hey, the spring rolls didn't turn out so well. Let's try ordering them here and maybe it'll be better.



We ordered two. They gave us four. I hate to waste food and needless to say, we were full for a very long time after this.

Ho Chi Minh City Part 4

I had to re-upload Lindsay Lohan's nekkid pic because it violates one of Photobucket's conditions but really, they're not hard to find. If it's not on Google Images, just send an email to this guy at edison_2hot4u_73@hotmail.com and he'll sort you out. He has a fine collection of nude celebrity photos but with 86% less crotch fur, his Western selection is better than his Asian one.

Enough talk about pubic hair, this post is actually quite a sombre one. After our lunch at Chinatown (two posts ago), we headed down to the War Remnants Museum which is mainly about how the Americans are evil invaders and how they massacred whole villages, not sparing children or women. Also, the Vietnam War, as known to us, is known to the Vietnamese as the American War. However skewed the museum's message was, I had a genuinely interesting time viewing the war from "the other side".



This is the facade of the museum. I'm sure the half marble/half cement look is meant to represent the process of rebuilding Vietnam. Fuck, I'm a genius.



Outside, there is a number of captured American weapons on display, such as this Huey attack helicopter. The fact that I know its name just goes to prove that I'm a nerd. An awesome and genius nerd.

Oh what's that? There's something sticking out of the left side.



Fucking kickass.

Once you enter the museum itself, you are bombarded with tons of photographs and quotes depicting the Americans' heinous war crimes and the Vietcong's tremendous resilience and fighting spirit. That got tired after a while and this is coming from someone who works in the — nah, probably not a good idea to continue that sentence.



That's me. I was either really intrigued or yawning, can't really tell.



Kind of sad but hey, no one said War is about giving each other gifts over a cup of coffee and some cake.



These is not a shot of Lindsay Lohan's back but a victim of a bomb containing steel pellets.

What shocked me the most was probably looking at the effects of chemical warfare, such as these unlucky bastards here:



Not winning any beauty pageants any time soon, these ladies.

Of course, you can't talk about the usage of chemical warfare in the Vietnam War without mentioning the infamous Agent Orange. Besides a reasonably successful 80s' punk band, it's also one of the more obvious war crimes committed by the Americans during the 70s'.

Be warned, the following images are rather graphic and if you are an easy-queasy kind of person, scroll down really quick with your eyes closed. You know you're in safe zone if you see Lohan's tits when you open your eyes.

So, here they are, effects of Agent Orange:









I won't be commenting on them because guys, this is serious stuff.

I thought I was fine until they started playing a video of Agent Orange victims, I was so disturbed that I left the museum immediately, in quick, wide strides. Straight out of the main entrance.

The video was like these two combined, but with the added element of twenty quiet tourists all paying perfect attention. My sense of self-control wasn't strong that day so I had to leave because that's really the much better alternative to getting stoned alive.

After all the graphic photographs of ripped flesh, punctured skin, bleeding wounds, deformed babies and the descriptions of how the soldiers bayoneted children through their chests and burned harmless villagers with napalm, I had my post-lunch snack.



This cup of stewed beef brisket was bought from a roadside stall outside the museum walls and while I really love animal innards, this wasn't very tasty at all. The intestines and liver were chewy and flavourful enough but the gravy smelled and tasted like cheese. Which is fine when you're expecting cheese in the stew but no, the stew did not contain cheese. But it smelled like cheese.



Of course, I still finished the whole damn thing.

This post is about Lindsay Lohan's tits

I'm interrupting my slow but regular update on my Vietnam trip to bring to you: Lindsay Lohan naked. It wasn't a particularly stimulating photo shoot and she doesn't look as good after all the rehab for drugs, alcohol and dicks but make no mistake: Dem be nice titties.



This is the original image, without the Japanese pornography-esque mosaic action and even then, the pixelisation kind of blends in with the freckles on her body anyway. Well, at least she's not skinny anymore, that look really wasn't made for her. If she did a nude shoot right around when she was filming Herbie, hot damn. Just take a look at Lohan '05.



Amazing.

The thing about Herbie: Fully Loaded is that it was such a horrible film and I can barely remember the plot of the film and in fact, all I can recall is Lohan in a tight tee making me guilty for staring at her in a kids' film.

Now that the whole world has seen her naked, it's your turn soon, Scarlett.

Ho Chi Minh City Part 3

On Day 2, we visited HCMC's Chinatown which didn't turn out to be anything special; rows of weary-looking shophouses running along the roads and a central market selling the same things we could have found in Ben Thahn Market, which was 10 minutes away from where we stayed. The most Chinatown-y thing about their Chinatown was a temple here and there, and that's about it. Not to say that I expected thousands of pigtailed slant-eyes running around pulling rickshaws and eating noodles while squatting by the road but I won't be giving that place a priority visit anytime soon.



A typical scene at Chinatown. Or Ho Chi Minh City District 1, where we stayed in. Or the area surrounding Ben Thahn Market. As you can see, the weather didn't get any cooler on my second day there and neither did the amount of motobais get any lesser.

Speaking of which, here's how the traffic works in HCMC:



The scooters and motorbikes, being the nimble little bastards they are, weave in and out of the larger vehicles which are always caught in jams. This photo was only made possible because I stood right in the middle of the road with the camera up for more than ten minu — Okay seriously, what am I talking about, I would have shat my pants so hard that the stream of shit will create the second Mekong River. The traffic there is downright scary and there's no way to take a head-on shot of it.



The main reason why we risk being roadkill: The promise of good food. This is called the Bun Thit Nuong and despite sounding like a tasty mish-mash of ass and breasts, it's not because it's actually a light and cool vermicelli dish, perfect for staving off the heat. It's like cold Soba noodles with herbs for an added layer of fragrance and taste, and a lot cheaper as well, this bowl (plus the seasoned meat thingy) cost me less than $1.50.



Okay, I don't know what this is called because I think I ordered this by pointing around wildly and hoping for the best but this isn't too bad, vermicelli in a warm broth which tasted like chicken stock and herbs, can't go wrong. Except for the radish. I fucking hate radish.



The famous Vietnamese fresh spring rolls, they're the kind of food which taste like how they look and in this case, it's a good thing. Like the colours suggest, they taste refreshing, sweet and snappy. One thing about these spring rolls that amazed me was the thinness of the skin and how tightly they are wrapped around the fillings. Bouncy, taut skin and wrapped tightly, like how I like my women. There's also the sweet dip which tasted too complex for me to correctly describe so just visit the wikipedia hyperlink instead.



This is the guy whom we bought the food from and after successfully managing to converse with him in Mandarin, he's a Mr. Lau (Or Liu). See, speaking Hua Yu is cool! And I didn't even need an awkward government-backed campaign to tell me so! But seriously, it was really comforting to be able to have a natural conversation with a hawker there after having to finger around like a dumb tourist who's afraid of anarchic traffic. Pay attention in your Chinese lessons, kids, it's more than just something to appease your future Chinese overlords in the year 2040.



After the meal, we bought coffee powder. This is the most boring photo ever, why did I even capture and upload it? I don't know. I tried speaking Chinese to the shop-owners again but they could only speak dialect, resulting in a confusing minute or two and a slightly-reduced appreciation for my Mother Tongue.

As mentioned many times, it was scorching in Ho Chi Minh City so whenever we found a stall selling cold dessert, we bought it.



It costs less than 20 cents.

The ice cream costs around the same as well.



My fourth glass of iced coffee in two days, this one was at one of the many Trung Nguyen coffeehouses, which is the Vietnamese equivalent of Starbucks but they actually sell, you know, coffee. There's even an outlet in Singapore Polytechnic but I don't remember liking it because it was quite expensive, about three to four times more so than in Vietnam.

When it was presented to me, I had no idea what to do because I have never received more than a plastic cup, ice and coffee when I ordered iced coffee. I had to call the waitress for help and turns out that I had to wait for the filter to stop dripping and then pour the mixture of coffee and condensed milk into the glass of ice. Such complexity, I must have looked like a red-nosed Einstein. Anyway, it was from the air pollution which did a decent job of making me want to rub my nose off from irritation.

Next update: The War Remnants Museum, effects of Agent Orange, victims of bomb raids and other hilarities!

Ho Chi Minh City Part 2

For our first dinner in HCMC, we ate some of the most delicious animals that mankind deemed distant enough to slaughter: Crabs, eels and kebabs. The only problem eating at Ben Thanh's night market is the number of eateries you get to choose from and they all look the same. "How do I know which one is the best? I only want to eat the best here because I have only so much stomach capacity." We eventually settled on the one that had the most number of locals and the friendliest waiter. I didn't even understand half of what he was saying but hey, he was smiling most of the time.



I've always found soft-shelled crabs to be extremely overrated because of how "empty" they are. I don't know about you but when I eat crabs, I expect thick, juicy, veiny wads of meat instead of just fried shell. But hey, this works as an appetiser so I was probably being a moron ordering this as one of the main dishes.



The moment this was served on our table, we knew we were going to be in for a treat because of how fragrant it was. The marinated beef was done medium rare, so we didn't have to gnaw down on hard, stringy meat. The vegetables were also wel—no one cares about vegetables, I just saw them as "NOT BEEF".



You won't be able to tell but this is a plate of eel stir-fried in sweet peanut-y sauce and with TONS of assorted greens and peanuts added in. The eels they used were the short and skinny river-dwelling kind so there wasn't much meat and to be honest, the only reason why we finished this was because of the sauce and the peanuts.



Many people might not dare to order cockles, especially in a less-developed country because of the threat of hepatitis. But I am one brave mofo with brass balls so I didn't give a shit. Also because I was born with hepatitis B. Mostly the latter.

Anyway, I didn't enjoy this much because of how overcooked and dry the cockles were, which is a shame because the only reason why people eat cockles is because of how juicy and bloody they are when cooked properly.

The whole meal came up to around $20, a little expensive for a mediocre meal in Vietnam but luckily for us, we were going to have better meals later in our stay.



I wasn't even done yet because I was bent on trying as much food as possible when I was there. This is one of Vietnam's traditional food, the Banh Mi which is a mess of pork and vegetables in a baguette sandwich. I didn't take a photo but when the stall-owner was preparing it, she scooped a spoonful of grey gunk off a large hulk of grey gunk and just as she did it, a few flies took off from the surface of the grey gunk and goddamn, what an unappetising piece of grey gunk. I later learned that the grey gunk was actually Pâté, which I would probably appreciate a lot more under a non-fly-infested form.

Possible maggots-ingesting aside, the sandwich was excellent. The baguette was light and fluffy but the real winner was the mystery sauce used. It was sweet with a tinge of dairy I think it was some kind of cheese-infused mayonnaise but well, I guess I'll never find out.

Wait, I actually can find out and well, it's the forementioned Pâté, nice. The fly larvae must have really added a whole new level of flavour into the mashed up pig guts and spare parts. But seriously, for 8000 Dongs (80 cents), this was a perfect snack. Maybe this will become the next food craze in Singapore with hundreds of same-same shops mushrooming under slightly different names. "IchiBanh Mi", "Banh Meez", "Bann Mee" and "Banh Mi Talk".

Speaking of which, why haven't people gotten over donuts yet? Why do retards still go crazy over Krispy Kreme (OH MY GOD YOU'RE GOING TO HONG KONG PLEASE GET KRISPY KREME FOR ME I WILL GIVE YOU MY FIRSTBORN AND MY LEFT BALL)? It's just donuts, people, they've been around for ages.

Ho Chi Minh City part 1

Everyone knows about Vietnam's rapidly growing economy which like China, was encouraged after old and unfeasible communist economic policies were stripped and replaced with greedy, selfish but highly workable capitalist ones. In fact, it's growing so fast that a lady whom we met at pho restaurant told us about how the Vietnamese are so quick in acquiring the newest cars and TV sets but are also equally quick at forgetting who they really are. At least, that was what I understood through her French-accented English as she's living in France now, married to a French guy.



This is what the airport looks like. Sleek, shiny floors and fully air-conditioned, just like any other found in modern cities around the world.



Care and consideration for Vietnamese who tried to play hopscotch in minefields.



Alas, it didn't take long before we were reminded that Vietnam is still a socialist state. This was a pretty surreal sight, after reading so much about North Korea, Soviet gulags and satirical communist fiction, here I am, in a real socialist state, standing before the awe-inspiring Soviet red flag.

Also, it didn't rain once during our stay there and the sun was absolutely scorching. The Vietnamese know this and they have invented some of the best cold drinks I've ever tasted. My very first purchase was a plastic cup of iced coffee from a roadside stall near our guest house, 5000VND (50 cents) for a very refreshing respite from the heat was damn good value for money. I got so addicted to it that I ordered another one at a cafe not too far away and when I say cafe, I mean a small little shop with less than six small stools and tables facing the road (for people watching, probably another one of the French's influence) and four of them taken up by old men watching boxing on the overhead TV set.



This is my glass of iced coffee, without condensed milk because I thought I should try to enjoy coffee by itself, without any outside interference. This was my expression after taking the first sip.



I returned it and asked for milk to be added in it. Who was I kidding? The only coffee I have ever drank in my life is the kind that was mixed with a disproportionately large amount of cheap cocoa powder and sugar and sold for a 1000% profit because they have beautifully pretentious-sounding Italian names.



This is the view from where I was sitting. No teenage girls smoking and bitching about their friend who wasn't there while they shift their tight denim-clad asses around in their chairs and bending over to...I should stop now. This was around 11 in the morning so we saw a lot of hawkers and Caucasian backpackers walking about and the occasional motobai speeding past.



This was taken at the strip of park that runs through the district in which our guest house is located in and at any given time, there will be a group of people playing this. Apparently, the point is to kick a shuttlecock-looking thing around while looking like your mother still dresses you. Have I mentioned that this game is really popular? We've seen students playing it, children no older than seven kicking the shuttlecock around and old men being surprisingly agile while punting it to each other. It seems that every Vietnamese has to love this game, unless you love hopscotch in minefields more, of course.

This is it for part one, the next post will be on our dinner that night. Well, our dinner and my post-dinner snack of a not-very-hygienic serving of Banh Mi.