So...that's how a girls' school is like

Last Saturday, I was at Singapore Chinese Girls' School's annual fair where the girls raise money so that they can buy the newest Click Five album and more clothes from Urban Outfitters Online. Possibly inaccurate stereotyping aside, here are some photos from the fair and I promise, I will try not to make inappropriate jokes because come on, these are Secondary Schoolgirls, you sick fuck.



Ahh, the long-forgotten sight of that school skirt + PE shirt combo, and the smell of butter and sweat at a Secondary School fair.



First paedophile of the day.
No, Arthur, that was not appropriate.



I didn't have any high expectations of the food I could get at the fair but come on, this was unforgivable. The rice was hard and clumpy and tasted like clay and the ebi prawn was overcooked and tasted like clay. Girls, what the hell?



These lemon-flavoured cupcakes were all sugar, (thankfully) no spice and not very nice. Luckily, we had $50 worth of fair coupons given to us by Jules' sister so we didn't actually spend real money on these sugary fuck-ups.



Finally, some decent food. The chocolate cookie on the left had the right amount of chewiness and so did the girl on the left. NO, INAPPROPRIATE.



A girl making a chocolate + marshmallows crepe for us. I wasn't the one who ordered this because I'm not a fan of neither crepe nor that combination of ingredients. It didn't help that the girl went all "Aiya, fuck it la." and had plastic gloves on just her right hand. The other hand is touching the food as well, you dumb bitch.



After taking a bite from the crepe, I can now appeal for a PES downgrade to E for contracting Diabetes.



The pita "wraps" were the best food item I had and surprise, these were not made by the girls but the staff from Breeks instead. The guy on the left was a complete jerk to his colleagues by ordering them around and shoving criticisms down their throats. "Eh, you lack the creativity to stuff the bread, go man the cash register instead." Ironically, the pita wrap he did for my order fell apart when I took it out of the bag. So much for the creativity, you 40-year-old line worker.



You can just imagine how the guy smelled, fuck. And couple that with his most probable intentions of visiting a girls' school fair. He will be Cleo's Bachelor of the Year one day, because I can see him being a bachelor for a very long time to come, hence the higher chances.



The games tent was quite boring but I saw this little bastard being a complete asshole by smashing the sponge as hard into the girls' faces as his tiny little boy arms could hurl. I like how the girl's face goes from happy-smiley to "Oh shit." as the boy releases the sponge from his hand.



Samantha, and his sister, who happens to be my girlfriend. Sometimes, like when I look at this photograph, I feel that I might have chosen the wrong Lau.

What's the best thing about receiving oral sex from a 78-year-old woman?

No teeth.



Unnecessarily attention-whoring opener aside, this post is actually about Teeth, one of the more pleasantly unique films I've watched lately. Although "pleasant" isn't the word I'd normally use when it comes to talking about a teethed vagina that's hungry for penii and I'm not saying that in the sexy "Hey I'll satisfy its appetite HAHA" kind of way.

The first 20 minutes or so lures you into thinking that it's a normal horror film but the first penis-chomping scene should be enough of a clue that this film is not supposed to be taken seriously unlike, say, The Ring. When I realised that, the film's entertainment value immediately doubled and on the next cock-consuming scene, quadrupled.

I think it was the way the actors screamed and howled in pain exaggeratedly (not that I would know how it's like without exaggeration) while having a hand over their vacant and bleeding groin. The film also features a couple of dong shots which was what probably warranted the R21 rating so if you're squirmish about looking at other people's penii, those might be the real horror scenes for you.

The highlight of the film has to be the scene in which Miss Cunt-on-a-hunt (Dawn) goes to a gynaecologist to get her cunt checked out. Because of how physically uncomfortable he made Dawn feel during the examination, she involuntarily clamped down on four of his fingers. As blood splurts out of the stumps, the doctor screams out in the most dramatic fashion possible, "VAGINA DENTATA! IT'S TRUE!" That, my readers, was the film equivalent of a straight-up uppercut on my funny bone.

Also funny was the row in front of us, made up of mostly Muslim girls with headdresses and they were going "Oh my..." at the gorier scenes and generally getting excited whenever the cute guy comes on screen. Whose dick got chomped off, by the way.

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Another hilarious film I've watched, albeit for the less desirable reasons, is Denias, Singing on the Cloud from the Singapore International Film Festival (SIFF). I was expecting an inspirational and realistic film, you know the kind that makes you cry and feel great about yourself after watching it because of how much it lifted you up?

It was anything but that. Apparently, the film won the "Best Children’s Feature Film at the Asia Pacific Screen Awards" and I somehow, missed that part of the synopsis which ultimately led to my thorough disgust at how bad the film turned out to be. The quality of the acting in the film was on par with the Aiyoyo Lao Shi TV shows we had in the early 90s' with overly-obvious gesturing geared towards the less subtlety-sensitive kids. And the casting was overly-blatant, with the fair-skinned pretty lady as the heroine of the film and the fair-skinned rugged man as the father figure of the protagonist.

Really, I have only myself to blame for having such high expectations and got presented with what I thought was dog shit smeared all over the theatre screen when in actual fact, it was just a piece of dung neatly smeared on the centre of the screen.

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The next film, The Hard-Hearted by Alexei Mizgiryov, was much better. Nothing epic or mind-blowing but it's the kind of film that would be a great rental for an evening because of how short it felt. If you can find this film, get it. But you might want to think twice about paying $10 for a ticket to watch this in the cinema, which was what I did.

10 Years Ago...

This afternoon, an old primary school friend of mine sent me scans of his old autograph book which every kid used to bring to school after major examinations so that all his classmates can write nonsense and doodle penises in it. Let me present to you, the genius of an 11-year-old Arthur Koh.



That's right, I used to be one of those "Girls are yucky" boys. Also, "Favourite Food: Western Food". At least, my least favourite piece of food still stands true. Note that "Jun Yi" is the owner of the book so you can see me sucking up to him to my best efforts on this page, even though I called him a fruit.



Same book but written a year later. You can see my taste in food evolving from "Western Food" to "Hawaiian Pizza" but I still didn't see the light in the form of girls and the pleasure they bring you.



"Favourite Actor: Brad Pitt"?
Definitely gay.



I don't know.



Come on, I was "11+".



Here's sometink really cool, writing in painful detail about your good friend! Odd to see my 11-year-old self making incest jokes but censoring "dirty words".

Almost-fully serious post

Especially at 20, a long distance relationship is really one of most ill-advised situations you can get yourself into. At 20, you have probably never felt or looked better, you're full of bravado and energy, you want to get out there and...just do something. At 20, you can still date 18 year-olds and not look like too much of a creepy bastard because as we know it, 18 is the sacred age for girls when they have just, for a lack of a better word, ripened.

Hence, it's difficult to settle down comfortably into a steady relationship, much less one that only allows your partner and you to actually see each other less than half of the time. When you finally get to meet him/her, you'll have some of the best times of your life because it feels so good to have your blue balls finally cured, metaphorically and physically. But most of the time, you'll be spending hours on the phone, trying to recall what it feels like to have him/her by your side again.

And that's if you two have a good amount of faith in each other and the relationship itself. If you don't, God help you because it's so easy to just sneak another person into your life and not have your partner knowing anything about it. It's also too easy and natural, even, to imagine the other party sneaking another person into his/her life for romantic purposes.

Distrust starts to arise as you listen to how he/she has made some new friends who are really fun and awesome and then he/she describes this one person in more detail than the rest. "Oh, he's got a great sense of humour and can you believe he did this and that today? Oh God, what a funny guy, he almost reminds me of you sometimes."

Wait, what?

"Oh please, he's just a friend."

Alright, let's see how long that lasts.

"What are you talking about? Can you stop being so paranoid?"

And there you go, another quarrel caused by strain of the relationship. I believe in not doing whatever that's not making you feel good and logically, a long distance relationship's cons outweigh its pros by such a huge margin that I wonder why I'm doing it, almost all the time.

But it's a good thing, that I can still think emotionally and when I do, I happen to be a huge sucker for this face:

The Singapore Film Festival: Red Road

Never, never, never watch a movie filmed on handheld cameras while sitting on the front row. When you've just had dinner. Never, ever, ever do that. I got so sick halfway through the film that I ran up the aisle to the back of the theatre, sat down against the brick wall and proceeded to burp like mad. So if you were there and smelled onion rings and beef during the screening, I'm sorry.

Red Road is about a CCTV operator, obviously dissatisfied with her life and her greatest pleasure in life is to observe other people's lives through the cameras. And I lost the plot from then on because of the Scottish-accented dialogue. I barely made it through Trainspotting but this really pushed my comprehensionary boundaries, and then stomping and shitting on it after breaking it. Alright, I didn't lose the plot but I was struggling with the dialogue and it didn't help that I had nausea threatening to burst out of my ears.

To be honest, I expected something totally different from the film: Something like the life of a Big Brother, something more creepy but there wasn't enough of that. It's still an alright film but not $9.40-alright. That's how much they charged for a ticket at a "normal" FilmFest movie. For one of the opening and closing movies, probably because they are the more popular ones, it's $20. A little ridiculous but I can't comment further because I'm not well-versed in how the local screening of indie films works.

There was also an unnecessarily-long sex scene which had Clyde (Tony Curran) licking up Jackie (Kate Dickie) for around three minutes (No, I wasn't timing) before banging her for less than one. Even though it made me feel good about my abilities, it was still unnecessary but hey, it's supposed to be raw and real.

I hope the next two films that I've booked turn out better. Fuck, I just checked, they're on Row A and B.

The Terminal

This was one of those films that I've managed to put off watching since its release four years ago in 2004. And even when I had it on my hard drive, I didn't watch it immediately because the audio was totally out of sync with the video. I'm talking about a 15 seconds delay in the audio track here, can you imagine some of the most memorable moments in film history with a 15 seconds audio delay?

I tried hard to think of an example but they weren't as witty as I thought so...yeah...15 seconds delay is a long delay yeah which is a long time to delay ANYWAY, I managed to fix the problem using a technique I've learnt in my teenage years from badly-ripped porn. You open two different video players and place one of them in the background, that'll be your audio track, and maximise the other but mute it, that will be your video track. After two months of sitting idly in my E:/ drive, the video finally saw me put together enough effort to watch it.

It's funny (not really) how there was so much waiting involved in my watching of the film when waiting, is in fact the main theme of The Terminal. Viktor Navorski (Tom Hanks), with his Borat-esque mannerisms and accent, travels to New York from the fictional country of Krakozhia but because of a government overthrow in his country, he ended up as a stateless person. And because of that, he can't get the necessary authorisation to step foot out of the airport onto official American soil.

Viktor ends up living in the airport and making friends with a black guy, an Indian (dot kind, not the howling kind) and a Mexican. As in the case of The 40 Year-Old Virgin, Gupta (the Indian guy) ends up as the comic relief of the show including a rather out-of-place scene of him as a performing waiter but thankfully, he had a perfect deadpan expression for that scene.

Along the way, he meets Amelia Warren (Catherine Zeta-Koh) and of course, a romantic relationship was teased and withdrawn, teased and withdrawn and I fucking fell for it. I haven't been affected by love stories in films for a long time and this really drew me in, probably because that's one of my wives you're trying to court there, Mr Navorski.

I think this is as much as I can tell without spoiling any more because you should watch the film. There are good comedy bits, heart-warming romantic bits, war-films-style manly-ly emotional bits and small little jabs at Bureaucracy and the American government. There's a healthy amount of cheesiness such as the last line from Gupta, which was unnecessary and wrecked the awesome build-up to that climatic scene.

Still, go watch it, don't wait.