What's the best thing about receiving oral sex from a 78-year-old woman?

No teeth.



Unnecessarily attention-whoring opener aside, this post is actually about Teeth, one of the more pleasantly unique films I've watched lately. Although "pleasant" isn't the word I'd normally use when it comes to talking about a teethed vagina that's hungry for penii and I'm not saying that in the sexy "Hey I'll satisfy its appetite HAHA" kind of way.

The first 20 minutes or so lures you into thinking that it's a normal horror film but the first penis-chomping scene should be enough of a clue that this film is not supposed to be taken seriously unlike, say, The Ring. When I realised that, the film's entertainment value immediately doubled and on the next cock-consuming scene, quadrupled.

I think it was the way the actors screamed and howled in pain exaggeratedly (not that I would know how it's like without exaggeration) while having a hand over their vacant and bleeding groin. The film also features a couple of dong shots which was what probably warranted the R21 rating so if you're squirmish about looking at other people's penii, those might be the real horror scenes for you.

The highlight of the film has to be the scene in which Miss Cunt-on-a-hunt (Dawn) goes to a gynaecologist to get her cunt checked out. Because of how physically uncomfortable he made Dawn feel during the examination, she involuntarily clamped down on four of his fingers. As blood splurts out of the stumps, the doctor screams out in the most dramatic fashion possible, "VAGINA DENTATA! IT'S TRUE!" That, my readers, was the film equivalent of a straight-up uppercut on my funny bone.

Also funny was the row in front of us, made up of mostly Muslim girls with headdresses and they were going "Oh my..." at the gorier scenes and generally getting excited whenever the cute guy comes on screen. Whose dick got chomped off, by the way.

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Another hilarious film I've watched, albeit for the less desirable reasons, is Denias, Singing on the Cloud from the Singapore International Film Festival (SIFF). I was expecting an inspirational and realistic film, you know the kind that makes you cry and feel great about yourself after watching it because of how much it lifted you up?

It was anything but that. Apparently, the film won the "Best Children’s Feature Film at the Asia Pacific Screen Awards" and I somehow, missed that part of the synopsis which ultimately led to my thorough disgust at how bad the film turned out to be. The quality of the acting in the film was on par with the Aiyoyo Lao Shi TV shows we had in the early 90s' with overly-obvious gesturing geared towards the less subtlety-sensitive kids. And the casting was overly-blatant, with the fair-skinned pretty lady as the heroine of the film and the fair-skinned rugged man as the father figure of the protagonist.

Really, I have only myself to blame for having such high expectations and got presented with what I thought was dog shit smeared all over the theatre screen when in actual fact, it was just a piece of dung neatly smeared on the centre of the screen.

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The next film, The Hard-Hearted by Alexei Mizgiryov, was much better. Nothing epic or mind-blowing but it's the kind of film that would be a great rental for an evening because of how short it felt. If you can find this film, get it. But you might want to think twice about paying $10 for a ticket to watch this in the cinema, which was what I did.