Hard Candy (A.K.A. "Don't worry, she was legal when she filmed it")

I'm talking about the 2005 movie, not Madonna's latest album which shares the same name. It's kind of odd, actually, since Madonna's been looking neither solid nor delicious nowadays.



The real genius of this film lies in its ability to make me know how it feels like to be a pedophile. For me, Hard Candy was nice to look at but hard to really get into. Other than looking pretty, I couldn't find any incentive to concentrate on the second half of the film because Hayley (Ellen "Yes, she really was legal" Page) just seemed too unbelievable as a character. When she's not panting suggestively, everything that comes out of her mouth is witty or smart, or both. I know it's just a film and not a piece of reality (Thank God, because pedophilia is evil and bad and God will hate you) but it gets really irritating because no one talks like that.

Yeah, she's a little demented and crazy, hence she must some kind of sexy self-righteous sexy child genius who's sexy allowed to speak that way but from what I've read, her character in Juno behaves the same way as well. I'll reserve my comments until I finally watch it so I can come out here and talk about how Ellen Page plays the same character in every film with a smarmy glint in my eye.

Another fault I found with the film is the stylishness of it. The director, David Slade, has done lots of music videos and it shows here; the quick cuts, the shakicam and I'm pretty sure you can play any generic alternative rock song over some of the scenes and it'll match up pretty nicely. That combined with the references to indie music ("GOLDFRAPP GOLDFRAPP FAP FAP FAP") made me feel slightly uncomfortable, like when you're hanging out with some people you just met. They wear t-shirts with random words silkscreened ("Goose.") and they go all American accents and name-dropping. It's a feeling like "That's fake as shit. What the fuck?"

Maybe I'm being a little harsh here because not every minute of the film plays out like a shiny and loud music video but one thing I really liked about the film is the colours and composition.









See, I told you the film looks good. And tight. That was unnecessary, I know.

Yes, pretty shots, pretty colours, pretty compositions until this one scene.



I fucking hate her. When the message "No animals were harmed in the making of this film" came up in the credits, it was actually in reference to the film crew making sure that Sandra Oh had her daily meals of hay and a minimum of four hours of galloping time. What the fuck, America? Is she part of some kind of genius ploy to get your entire continent to hate Asians?

To end this post..."if you somehow need a reason to clear your cache and history......you should, the police won't have the time to listen to your protests.